Jokes-A-Plenty

A string of events . . .

bosholdest — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 22:28:42 +0000

A string walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender rudely told him: “Sorry, Pal. We don’t serve strings in here. Get out!!”

The string went outside into the alley and decided to disguise himself so he could get a much-needed drink. He tied himself into a knot and rubbed himself all over to make himself look mussed.

He returned to the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender eyed him suspicioulsly and asked: “Aren’t you that string that was in here a while ago?”

The string replied: “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

What did I do that . . .

bosholdest — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:37:12 +0000

. . . was so wrong?

I went into our local supermarket. While I was in the produce department, I saw the Produce Manager. All I did was ask her if she would mind if I took a leek there. I can’t imagine why but she seemed offended.

You think HE has problems . . .

bosholdest — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:33:57 +0000

Everyone talks about the problems that the US President has. Like he has SO much responsibility and SO much to worry about. Well, I have more to worry about than he does.

He only has to worry about his problems. While I have to worry about his problmes and my problems.

To each his own . . .

bosholdest — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:31:00 +0000

My wife and I have a workable agreement about responsibilities in our marriage. We have agreed that she will make all the decisions regarding the little things; such as: Where we will live; what we will eat; where we will attend church; where our children will go to school, etc.

I will take care of all the major decisions; such as: What will we do about Iraq, North Korea and Iran.

Try it . . .

bosholdest — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:27:51 +0000

A woman was lamenting to her husband that she thought her breasts were too small. She said she wanted to ‘enhance’ them. Her husband said: “I can help. Here’s what you do . . . several times a day, take some toilet tissue and rub between them. I am sure they will grow.”

She said: “That doesn’t make any sense. How will rubbing toilet paper beteween my breasts make them larger?”

He replied: “It worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

Who else?

bosholdest — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:24:15 +0000

A man and woman were undressing to have sex together for the first time. When she saw his penis was not especially large, she asked sarcastically: “Who do you expect to satisfy with that?” With a self-satisfied smile, he replied: “ME, of course!!”

Ya’ never know . . .

bosholdest — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 13:28:22 +0000

My sister tells me that having sex with a new partner is like a snowstorm. You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.

Some guys have it . . .

bosholdest — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 13:22:19 +0000

A man was sentenced to prison. Shortly after he arrived, he was in the rec room with all the other convicts. There was a small dais on one end of the room. Upon the dais was a man yelling out numbers. Each time he said a different number, everyone would laugh.

He asiked one of the guys there: “What’s going on?” He was told: “Well, we’ve all been ‘around the block’ so many times, we’ve heard all the jokes there are. To save time, we have numbered them. When someone gets up and says a number, everyone is reminded of the original joke and we all get a good laugh.”

The new guy made it his mission to memorize all the numbers so he could join in the fun.

About a week later, when he was in the rec room, he took the dais and had his turn. He yelled out: “228.” No response. Then he yelled: “73.” Still nothing. He tried once more: “56.” Dead silence.

Embarrassed and mortified, he slunk from the dais and lost himself in the crowd.

Another guy took the dais and yelled out: “228.” Everyone laughed. Then he said: “73.” Everyone cracked up once again. Then he tried: “56.” The convicts were rolling on the floor with laughter and guffaws.

The new guy turned to another convict and complained: “Hey, he’s saying all the numbers I just said. I got absolutely no response yet he is getting nothing but laughs. What’s up with that?!!”

He was told: “Well, some guys can tell a joke and some can’t.”

My turn . . .

bosholdest — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 13:11:59 +0000

A man was walking down a country roud when, all of a sudden, a farmer leaped out of the bushes directly into his path. The farmer held a shotgun and a jug of ‘corn likker’.

He handed the jug to the man, pointed the shotgun at him and ordered: “Take a drink!!” The man replied: “I ain’t gonna’ drink that crap!!” The farmer trained the shotgun on his chest, cocked the hammer and said: “I said take a drink!!”

The man took the jug and answered: “Okay! Okay! Just don’t get trigger-happy!!” He turned up the jug and took a long pull. He gasped and wheezed; his throat and chest were on fire. When he recovered from his coughing fit, he exclaimed: “Jesus!! That is awful!!”

The farmer answered: “Yeah, it is, ain’t it.” Then he handed the shotgun to the man and said: “Now, make ME take a drink!!”

True story . . .

bosholdest — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 15:52:32 +0000

Many years ago, when I lived in Seattle, I worked with a man who was a Mormon. We were taking our afternoon break. I was drinking a cup of coffie and smoking a cigarette. (We were allowed to do that indoors in those days.) Al was drinking a can of 7-Up.
He said to me: “Jay, if you willl not drink anything with caffiene, not smoke cigarettes, not drink alcohol, not chase women, go to bed early every night and go to church twice a week you will live a lot longer.” Then, after a thoughful pause, he continued: “At least it will SEEM a lot longer.”