A string of events . . .

A string walked into a bar and ordered a drink.  The bartender rudely told him:  “Sorry, Pal.  We don’t serve strings in here.  Get out!!”

The string went outside into the alley and decided to disguise himself so he could get a much-needed drink.  He tied himself into a knot and rubbed himself all over to make himself look mussed.

He returned to the bar and asked for a drink.  The bartender eyed him suspicioulsly and asked:  “Aren’t you that string that was in here a while ago?”

The string replied:  “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

What did I do that . . .

. . . was so wrong?

I went into our local supermarket.  While I was in the produce department, I saw the Produce Manager.  All I did was ask her if she would mind if I took a leek there.  I can’t imagine why but she seemed offended.

You think HE has problems . . .

Everyone talks about the problems that the US President has.  Like he has SO much responsibility and SO much to worry about.  Well, I have more to worry about than he does.

He only has to worry about his problems.  While I have to worry about his problmes and my problems.

To each his own . . .

My wife and I have a workable agreement about responsibilities in our marriage.  We have agreed that she will make all the decisions regarding the little things; such as:  Where we will live; what we will eat; where we will attend church; where our children will go to school, etc.

I will take care of all the major decisions;  such as:  What will we do about Iraq, North Korea and Iran.

Try it . . .

A woman was lamenting to her husband that she thought her breasts were too small.  She said she wanted to ‘enhance’ them.  Her husband said:  “I can help.  Here’s what you do . . . several times a day, take some toilet tissue and rub between them.  I am sure they will grow.”

She said:  “That doesn’t make any sense.  How will rubbing toilet paper beteween my breasts make them larger?”

He replied:  “It worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

Who else?

A man and woman were undressing to have sex together for the first time.  When she saw his penis was not especially large, she asked sarcastically:  “Who do you expect to satisfy with that?”  With a self-satisfied smile, he replied:  “ME, of course!!”

Ya’ never know . . .

My sister tells me that having sex with a new partner is like a  snowstorm.  You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.

Some guys have it . . .

A man was sentenced to prison.  Shortly after he arrived, he was in the rec room with all the other convicts.  There was a small dais on one end of the room.  Upon the dais was a man yelling out numbers.  Each time he said a different number, everyone would laugh.

He asiked one of the guys there:  “What’s going on?”  He was told:  “Well, we’ve all been ‘around the block’ so many times, we’ve heard all the jokes there are.  To save time, we have numbered them.  When someone gets up and says a number, everyone is reminded of the original joke and we all get a good laugh.”

The new guy made it his mission to memorize all the numbers so he could join in the fun.

About a week later, when he was in the rec room, he took the dais and had his turn.  He yelled out:  “228.”  No response.  Then he yelled:  “73.”  Still nothing.  He tried once more:  “56.”  Dead silence.

Embarrassed and mortified, he slunk from the dais and lost himself in the crowd.

Another guy took the dais and yelled out:  “228.”  Everyone laughed.  Then he said:  “73.”  Everyone cracked up once again.  Then he tried:  “56.”  The convicts were rolling on the floor with laughter and guffaws.

The new guy turned to another convict and complained:  “Hey, he’s saying all the numbers I just said.  I got absolutely no response yet he is getting nothing but laughs.  What’s up with that?!!”

He was told:  “Well, some guys can tell a joke and some can’t.”

My turn . . .

A man was walking down a country roud when, all of a sudden, a farmer leaped out of the bushes directly into his path.  The farmer held a shotgun and a jug of ‘corn likker’.

He handed the jug to the man, pointed the shotgun at him and ordered:  “Take a drink!!”  The man replied:  “I ain’t gonna’ drink that crap!!”  The farmer trained the shotgun on his chest, cocked the hammer and said:  “I said take a drink!!”

The man took the jug and answered:  “Okay!  Okay!  Just don’t get trigger-happy!!”  He turned up the jug and took a long pull.  He gasped and wheezed; his throat and chest were on fire.  When he recovered from his coughing fit, he exclaimed:  “Jesus!!  That is awful!!”

The farmer answered:  “Yeah, it is, ain’t it.”  Then he handed the shotgun to the man and said:  “Now, make ME take a drink!!”

True story . . .

Many years ago, when I lived in Seattle, I worked with a man who was a Mormon. We were taking our afternoon break. I was drinking a cup of coffie and smoking a cigarette. (We were allowed to do that indoors in those days.) Al was drinking a can of 7-Up.
He said to me: “Jay, if you willl not drink anything with caffiene, not smoke cigarettes, not drink alcohol, not chase women, go to bed early every night and go to church twice a week you will live a lot longer.” Then, after a thoughful pause, he continued: “At least it will SEEM a lot longer.”